English Jokes

[matrix]

A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?

B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.

[matrix]

A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.
"
Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit


The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder. "I'm a panda," he says, at the door.
"
Look it up." The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation...
"
Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

[matrix]

Two Balloons (present tense version)
Two balloons are floating across the desert.
One balloon says to the other:
"Look out for the cactussssssssssss!"

Two Balloons (past tense version)
Two balloons were floating across the desert.
One balloon said to the other:
"Look out for the cactussssssssssss!"

[matrix]

Penguin


A man was walking along Hietzinger Hauptstrasse near Parkhotel
Schönbrunn when he found a penguin walking along the road.
So he picked it up and took it to the local police station.
He said to the policeman "I found this penguin on Hietzinger
Hauptstrasse, near Parkhotel Schönbrunn. What should I do with it?"
The policeman looked at the man and said "It's obvious what you should
do with it! Take the penguin to Schönbrunn Zoo.
The man said "Of course, I'll take it to the zoo" and he left the police
station with the penguin under his arm.
The next day the policeman was on duty in the city centre when he saw
the man walking along the street with the penguin by his side. The policeman stopped the man and said "I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo?"
The man replied "Yes, I took it to the zoo yesterday. Today I'm taking it to see the Opera House."

[raha78]

Wake Up for School

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

[raha78]

How to Annoy a Policeman (if you dare)!

. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, officer, there's no blood in my alcohol!"

If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to 70.

If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the bonnet.

. Trip and fall into him.

. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.

. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.

. Try to sell him your car.

. Ask if you can buy his car.

Tell him you like men in uniform.

Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party

[raha78]

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this...somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"

[raha78]

Tech Support Story

Technical Support: "I need you to right-click on the desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Technical Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Technical Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Technical Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Yes, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

[raha78]

Higher Education
A dog is so smart that his master decides to send him to college.

Home for vacation, his master asks him how college is going.

"Well", says the dog, "I'm not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages."

"Really!" says the master. "Say something in a foreign language."

The dog says, "Meow ! "

[raha78]

Movie Theater
Pardon me, lady", said the man trying to get back to his seat in the darkened movie theater, "but did I step on your toes a few minutes ago?"

"You certainly did!!", said the woman in the aisle seat.

"Good, then I'm in the right row!" the man said as he went back to his seat.